The Story of The Moody

Cleared By This Bit

2012-01-31T00:56:00.004+07:00

To think about it again, it's kinda stupid to be triggered by small problems.

I should really sleep and set the switch of self-control back on again.

Life. Haha.

You could be such a funny yet frustrating thing at the same time.

Comatose

2012-01-30T17:30:00.003+07:00

I am so sick of myself.

I know asking to have a comatose is the opposite of showing thankfulness. But really, I feel as if everything's out of their places.

All I wish now is to just be unconscious, with a brain that'll stop working for awhile, because brain contains who we really are. Brain think. Brain stores. Brain just can't stop working even in your sleep. Brain makes you conscious that you're human. Brain is a labyrinth, and I wish I could get out of it, because I'm sick of all this.

I might be hyperbolic now, but I just really want to not disturb myself with these kinds of things.

Let me rest and find a way to not fall into that same pit of self-blaming and confusion again.

I'm just gonna sleep it off for now I guess..

Letter To My Artworks

2012-01-27T17:35:00.000+07:00

Hi photographs, paintings, illustrations, concepts, random doodles and sketches.

I want to apologize for my lack of confidence and trust upon you guys. It is always hard to accept you guys the way you are made. I always focused on the flaws and it makes me blind from what's already beautiful. I kept thinking that I could do so much better, learn more and make better ones, but you guys are the evidence of my progress. No matter how bad you are, how messy and experimental, I can't just neglect you. That would be immoral.

Big sorry for concepts, especially. I tend to just throw you away from my BBM notes, thinking that you guys are not going to be possible to execute. I collected you all, let you all wait, but then in the end my laziness took over most of the time. Even mothers did not abort their children just because they're lazy. It's shameful, really, because I am sure if I nurtured and plan, manage my time well, plus execute you guys for real, you are going to be masterpieces -- paintings worth to put on a wall, fashion editorials worth to go in a magazine, illustrations worth framing, sketches in fine strokes and details.

I really am sorry for being a person that can't be determined in a very long term. I am not patient enough and I need to work on that.

I feel like the enemy of my artistic achievements are not others, but my own behaviors.

I promise I will stand up for you guys. To be confident, more trusting, and more enthusiastic in a long term, putting them on the surface of my brain like super adhesive post-its that won't be peeled off if not finished.

Love you all. Love you, art :*

The Naked Ray

2012-01-25T22:37:00.002+07:00

Hello. Haven't been blogging for awhile. I've been stable these days, especially with the relaxing long weekend. Celebrating Chinese New Year was great. Let's welcome the year of the Dragon together. Hopefully we'll be as wise and happy like a flying dragon in the mountains of mainland China.

Somehow in this Dragon year, I got reminded of a piece of artwork from Alexander McQueen's S/S 2005 show. It was worn by Gemma Ward to perfection~

Courtesy of google image.

Anyways, I have a random thought in mind ...as always.

I think being exposed through X-ray or MRI results and then shown to public is as embarrassing as being literally naked of clothes. There's something so 'deep' and closed about what's inside of us, much more private than the visible genitalia, and even without an assistance of medic people we can't see them. I mean of course, since it is not visible, people in general would not judge critically. For example, when we have a big head, it's visible, and people would say "Oh, you have a very unique proportion of your head." But when it comes to our brain for example, only those who learned the all-abouts of a brain would be able to judge and say whether your brain is an awesome one or it sucks.

Therefore yes, I think to expose the physical insides of us, it's embarrassing. Even if someone is tracing my veins through the wrist, the action always gives me chills. It's quite intimate and feels 'close' in a way. Oh it is so hard to explain, I wish people would understand how interesting this is. Maybe I should make a painting out of it.

Have a great night.

Blue And White

2012-01-20T23:27:00.002+07:00

Took out my tripod and pushed my bed away from its place for a self-portrait photo shoot this evening. The pictures were needed for the improvement of my visual blog's About page. I have several outtakes but I don't think it's appropriate to post it all here, so I'm just gonna save the others for later.

Anyways, it's really awkward to model for yourself. Posing could be similar like math and studying muscle directions for initial sketch before painting. So I'm glad and thankful I have models that could pose so naturally.

Long weekend's ahead of us :)

Have a great night.

Few Outtakes

2012-01-20T00:12:00.000+07:00

Outtakes from various past photo shoots.

I don't really know what to write these days so bear with the pictures, please :)

Bershkaboom

2012-01-18T01:38:00.002+07:00

While ditching the late civics essay, I randomly tried to watch the last episode of a Korean drama which I have finished reading the recaps back in December. I never liked to watch drama online. It makes my brain blunt when it goes for too long.

So the video's loading and I was watching, then I found something.

Put your focus not on the label at the top left, or the girl, or the bear, or the pink subtitle, but on the shirt. That's a Bershka shirt. It's not that expensive, but so comfortable to wear, and the illustrated feathers were accentuated with a bit of square metal sequins.

The drama started to broadcast last year's June.

I bought the same shirt at Bershka last year's March.

The only difference I could find from the shirt is that the actress' one is in size S, while mine's L.

Such a random coincidence.

Have a great night.

Like & Love

2012-01-17T01:21:00.003+07:00

is like a bunch of dandelion seeds

falling beautifully on the ground.

It's a soft and good feeling

but can come and go at any time.

Love

is when those same dandelion seeds

become firmly rooted, sowing its seeds

and growing another dandelion on the spot.

It takes a lot of energy to grow the dandelion,

like protecting it from the wind

and giving it water and sunlight

but it becomes very precious and beautiful in the end.

-- Seo Joo-Hyun

Wanting That Precious Thing

2012-01-16T23:10:00.002+07:00

After I got back from the vet, my mood suddenly just went down. Without any reason. This is the first time I could be conscious of such thing. This is the description of a weird human mind at its best.

Listed all the things that I have to do for tomorrow. Damn, there's a lot.

I haven't been sleeping or eating well. Maybe it's because I have this subconscious mindset of having sleep at its complete quantity. Having 5 hours (and below) of sleep would just turn my mood into a black thick fog, so hard to poof away.

My career counselor at school told me that every time I have a meeting with her, I always talked about sleep and I always look sleepy most of the time. Yes, sleep is playing a big role in my life. If I'm right, I think I developed depression three years ago because of insomnia. Even recently I got my breakdown without realizing that the lack of sleep was one of the factor that caused it too.

Even though I could sleep for 15-18 hours maximum if the situation lets me, I found myself feeling inactivated and dull when I did that consecutively. I must admit that sleep is more precious when you're feeling exhausted. Therefore when I found myself feeling like shit after sleep, I'll drag myself to the gym and work the shit out of me. This doesn't happen often though. If it's often, I'll be losing a lot of weight by now.

But I know that sleep is always something to be thankful for. Constant need for the body, like water and sugar.

And honestly I do need it so much right now. But I have a list of things to do. Will I be able to force myself to do all of it for sleep?

Have a great night.

Growing Slowly, Nah

2012-01-16T03:58:00.000+07:00

So, well, I'm squeezing time and pressure by pushing my works away for the last few hours. I did some hairology too for today.

The first picture was from March 2011. I took the second picture just now, before I had my shower. You might think that my hair growth is slow but trust me, it's faster that what you could think of. Since that March, it grew to the hair length I have now, then I went to the salon with Jesslyn in July, decided to make them asymmetrical, so it went back to the length of the first picture, but with shorter at the back, longer at the front.

After that, I went to the salon in December, telling the hairdresser to make it symmetrical again because I wanna grow them out. So they did.

People said I look better with short hair, but I wanna try to grow them out for once. Maybe until... August? I'll cut it right before college. Or maybe until December. I want to lose more weight and have a very short cut. A unique one.

For me shoulder-length is the best. I don't have to waste that much shampoo. But I just want to test my hair. How long can it exactly grow? Can it be longer than back when I was grade 8?

...and will I have enough willpower to lose even more weight?

Let's see in a couple of months.

I Thought It'll Be For Another Week

2012-01-15T22:54:00.000+07:00

Another week to survive, and then we Chinese people will welcome the year of the Dragon with 4 days of weekend. Yeah!

So, today was great, outside the academics of course, since I haven't finished any homework. Weekend's been a bit exciting plus busy, and I've been addicted to sleeping (who doesn't?)

My bro's family finally came back from the hospital. Regain did a lot of pooping and peeing, my mom and my maid changed his diapers a lot, and well, that's that.

At 9 PM, when I was chatting in my bro's room with my sis-in-law, I went outside to get a comb from my room and suddenly my mom shouted from down below that Nana just gave birth.

Nana just gave birth.

My little Nana, my mini-ish shih tsu. My baby Nana that looks like a puppy although she's already 2 years old. She gave birth to a very little puppy by herself. No one knew she got pregnant. Worse, she got pregnant because of Mocha, which is Nana's dad. My sister was like "Oh it's okay, they're dogs." and I thought if the puppy's okay and healthy, I guess it's okay too.

I'm shocked. I mean I'm happy, but I'm just shocked. Too much things going on this weekend. Things that should be thanked for, but this is like, getting a lot of lucky stuff one week before Chinese New Year. It's like double jackpot.

Good omen for the start of the year though. Thanks, God :)

Pictures will be coming soon.

Have a great night.

Little Big-blessed Baby

2012-01-14T20:30:00.002+07:00

Regain's second day! My sister and I stayed in the hospital since morning 'till the late afternoon. Regain was brought into the room at 4 PM and we played with him for two hours. Well, we didn't exactly play since he was just there, sleeping, stretching, yawning. But well, I don't know, I'm so happy to see him up close and realized that he's a part of the family now. He's such a blessing. A little tiny baby but a gigantic blessing from God.

Missing him already. Teehee.

Have a great night.

Hello Baby Regain

2012-01-13T20:42:00.001+07:00

Let's all welcome Regain, my nephew who just came out of my sister-in-law's womb today, about 3.10 PM. He's such a blessing from God, joining our family right at the beginning of the year :)

I can only take two pictures of him today because he was kind of covering his face, so I took this one above and another one in black and white. My brother was able to take one with his phone because he was allowed to go into the operation room right after Regain was born. His face looks like my brother, yet with a longer nose which is good.

Assuring you that Regain's life for the next 8 months will be documented a lot by me and Deedee. Later on when I'm off to college, I'll pass the job to my sister. It'll be cool if he grew up and have so many pictures of him from birth. It'll help him in future school projects. Hehe.

Have a great night.

Again, welcome to the world, Regain. Auntie loves you :*

Downgraded By Generalization

2012-01-12T00:07:00.003+07:00

I'm going to open up this entry with a video that almost none of you would be familiar with.

Let me guess, you're thinking that I'm coming out of the closet as a K-Pop addicted fan girl? Yes, you might be right, but no, you're wrong too.

I have longed to bring this issue to the table, I was even thinking to write about it for seoulbeats.com but for some reason I wanted to write it here first, and I'm not even trying to be persuasive here.

I have seen a lot of people generalizing K-Pop from the surface only. Yes, SNSD and Super Junior's agency -- SM Entertainment -- might win in their marketing. Yet I must tell you that those two groups are not the best representations for the real K-Pop music. It's not all about girls with great bods and cuteness explosion, or guys with acceptable dance skills and various hairstyles.

No, oh my gosh, NO.

The video I included above is a performance of CNBLUE, a South Korean rock band that started their career from Japan's indie music industry until they found their way to the mainstream of their homeland in 2010. The vocalist, Jung Yong Hwa, got the best singing voice for a guy; slightly hoarse, a lot of power, although there are mispronunciation of some English words in his lyrics. He also compose songs, and they're as good as the one in the video. They're now active in both Korea and Japan. They are successful because of how they merge the rock and a bit of blues genre with Asian language, plus they often added rap into their songs and slipped English words in their chorus, making it catchy enough to be repeated.

I could imagine their songs turned into all-English versions, and with better pronunciations. They would be all hits, at least top 20s in the Billboard chart. Yet I think a band like this would focus on bringing their home language to the world, so they might not want to do all-English versions. But I could see how serious they are, and how passionate the vocalist is about creating music and well, he's definitely good at it.

Ready for another example?

G-Dragon is a member of a famous group called Big Bang. They won MTV EMA's World Best Act 2011. Their agency, YG entertainment is equivalent to SM, but they are more ambitious in targeting the world's music industry rather than Asian-only market. G-Dragon wrote a lot of songs for the artists in his agency, and produced his own solo too. He got his influence from American Hip Pop and R&B, which explains the upbeat synthesized background music. He's famous as a genius song-writer in the industry, but he also faced a few plagiarism accusations and also a scandal for his marijuana usage. It was not as damaging to his career though. He's still considered as one of those serious music genius in South Korean music industry.

You know what, to make my point, I'll let you take a short cut from reading what I've written above.

Just watch the two videos I posted above, and then compare them to this one below.

All those pinks and winks, they're so painful to watch when you know that there are serious musicians in what we call the K-Pop industry, striving for the global market by inventing great music instead of focusing on perfect visuals and superficial songs.

This is only one industry in one country. We can even criticize the American music industry for having a narrowed-down focus on upbeat club and dance genre nowadays. They're good, but they're losing their charms. If only we could tell The Beatles to open up a music school to mentor next generations' musicians back in the 60s. Maybe we could tell Coldplay or Adelle to do so.

Anyways, we should learn to dig deeper than just the surface nowadays. Public relations and marketing found their power in every industry, knowing that people won't judge by the covers only, but also the blurbs. So then they modify the blurbs to a point where in the future the next generations will be forced to read the whole content to find the non-manipulated thing, but most of them won't, for humans love practical things. The more content and time consuming it is, the more we hesitate.

So despite the criticisms, if we compare K-Pop with Indonesian music industry, we could all applaud the South Koreans even by looking from its surface. The Indonesian music industry is now famous for plagiarism. Only a few are really serious, yet they are not really active either nowadays.

I could only wish upon a star that John Lennon would reincarnate and bang the music industry once again.

Thanks for your attention :)

Low On Temperature

2012-01-11T21:52:00.000+07:00

Found myself feeling as if I'm gonna freeze at 2 AM yesterday. It was torturing. I've been feeling colder in temperature more than usual since Monday. I thought it wasn't serious but today was the peak of it. I rested and felt better, yet I think I still have to stay up tonight due to the halfway-done Econ IA.

♫ With A Little Help From My Friends - Across The Universe Casts

I have a thought about my own interest. I have been attached with both performing and visual arts, yet in the end I chose visual over performing. I could've work harder in composing songs, singing, and basic instrument skills, but it is such an obviously competitive world that I decided to back down. My parents once scolded my brother for pursuing music in his high school days, they said it doesn't make money, but well, my brother failed on it anyway. It doesn't mean that I agree with my parents. I think music is such a strong factor in life, and it is still a part of art that embraces beauty. It also makes money, but again, not everybody could be a billionaire from it.

I must admit that I envy some of those people who could sing on stage and enjoy themselves. I have this worsening stage fright since I blanked out on my school's singing competition final stage. Ugh. But really, I do love to compose songs, and sing them out loud. Yet I am not sure if I could drive the nervousness away when I have to do it in public or even just recorded with a cam. Sigh.

But you know what, I'm going to put that for one of this year's resolutions: compose a song, record it, and publicize it through Youtube or something.

There's a lot of lives to live. We are born in different circumstances, and although some are similar, our decisions also determine what kind of life we're going to stay in. It's like a one way thing. Some could be a famous singer, some could be successful entrepreneurs, some are housewives trying to raise a better generation. Yes, it is sad to suppress some of your desires when you're already set for a future. But it's also good, since each human being have their own capacity. To live a double life would be a bit too much.

So yeah, I might be interested in music and composing these days (or always), but I am aware that this is just a euphoria thing that comes in a package with the whole K-Pop stuff. After all, I wouldn't trade my privacy for popularity. It's too much and I think it's a bit ambitious. One human (yourself) is already complex, yet you want other humans to be hypnotized by you? Some people should pursue, but some people should stop dreaming and find their true potential rather than denying them.

I'm kind of lost here, honestly. Wondering if I sounded cliche or not just now.

Okay, time to gear myself up. Finish what I have to finish for the sake of sleep. Yeah.

Have a great night.

Laughing Like A Boss

2012-01-10T23:05:00.000+07:00

Suddenly bursting into a high pitched laughter because of this:

Courtesy of 9gag.com

Oh dear. That is one super mind-blowing gag. But I still have high hopes that he'll do a good job in ruling North Korea, bring them out of the famine, or give them more freedom.

Today I met someone that I really admire. Also Jesslyn gave me January's Juxtapoz which features Audrey Kawasaki. Oh, it's like as if my bad days are not gonna be coming back anymore. In this case, because it's real life, maybe it won't come back for awhile.

School is back along with sleep deprivation and keep working slowly but sure on improving in time management.

Currently liking CNBLUE for the singer's voice. He got this slightly hoarse voice that is perfect for a guy, singing, macho-ly. Yes, I am going mainstream; South Korean mainstream. Yet I still like to indulge myself with Darwin Deez and a bit of R&B-Hip Pop for once in awhile.

Okay then, time to gather the air of diligence for Economics internal assessment!

Have a great night :)

It's Ending

2012-01-08T18:55:00.001+07:00

♫ Love Girl - CNBLUE

Surprisingly today didn't feel as surreal as the other last days of the holidays. Maybe tomorrow morning it would, but not now.

I slacked off for these past three weeks. Ashamed? Not really. I was slacking off productively! I went to catch up with my friends, sleep, and entertainments.

Anyways, I've been taking quite a lot of pictures but sometimes some of them are just missed and forgotten. So before I started to face my problems of the night (choosing between school or have my last day of slacking off), I'm gonna post some of these pictures.

My soulartmate and I.

The KIB troops, singing carols at Plaza Senayan.

Deli and Robby, and our failed sketching session.

Brea tucking her sweater's sleeve.

I have been wordless due to my laziness, so I apologize that I haven't been blogging as often as before. But I think the activity would increase in the next 6 months. I have a lot of memories to record. Ah, my last six months of high school. Wondering if I would be able to let it go that easily.

So, have a great night.

♫ Touch The Sky - Kanye West

Morbidly Creative

2012-01-07T22:03:00.000+07:00

If there's an iron crisis in this world, so bad that people can't make stuff made out of iron anymore, but then the government need iron to make weapons, will they ever think about taking the iron from human blood and make weapons out of it? So they would kill a lot of people, drain their bloods, tell the scientists to extract iron from them, and make red-colored weapons from these extracted irons.

So morbid, yet creative in a way.

I got this thought while I accidentally smelled the blood from my scab. It's disgusting, but the smell of blood in a little amount isn't that bad either. I also imagined if the smell of blood could be bottled into a perfume. Would people wear them? They smell like rusting iron, but a bit sweet, almost citrus-like.

Picture courtesy of stemcellumbilicalcordblood.com.

Ah, humans.

Our insides are beyond interesting!

Oh and so many colors!

Have a great night.

Today I Did Something Productive

2012-01-05T23:08:00.003+07:00

Tingling feeling of overloading inspirations and gratitude.

Linger linger linger linger.

Today I'm happy.

Because I got to have a photoshoot with my friends.

Also assisted an expert friend like Stefan for his photography too.

He also models, hehe.

Plus, I was stuck in traffic for 5 hours with Brea, Brenda, and Stefan, but unexpectedly it was memorable and full of laughter. Someone laughed at a car that was driving in reverse. Someone made up 'Broto' as a brand name for mineral water. We ended up having dinner with Anthony, filling the absence in our empty stomach with precious Chinese food.

I could easily thank God right now for the things He gave to me.

Big things, little things.

For life, for opportunities, for good intentions, for the ability to be thankful.

Thank you. You know who you are people.

Have a great night :*

Confusion Is Nothing New

2012-01-05T22:44:00.004+07:00

"It is always the secure who are humble"

I read that from a friend's tweet today, and it hit me hard. I know that the tweet was not specifically for anyone but I reflected upon the word 'humble' and 'secure'.

It's been very hard for me to find confidence in myself. When people give compliments, I can only accept it but then critique myself because I have such a lot of things to learn, and there are other people who are way better than I am. I'm always happy and fulfilled when people like my works, but being such a selfish and somehow demanding as an artist, my works are never enough for me.

I started to wonder if I ever have the intention to show things off. What are the reasons I took the time to layout the pictures I took, or paint a concept I have made, and then publicized them? I thought of these things until now and behind the surfacing headaches from caffeine crash, people's faces popped up into my head.

I realized, I have this constant desire to want to force people to see what I see.

The last painting of my sister, I wanted to say, "Hey, my sister is so pretty, but she's even more prettier inside. You should know that I have such a great sister with great personality."

In photography, whether in fashion, people, journalistic, or events, I always wanted to say, "See these faces, hands, poses, the living beings that I captured? Can't you see how beautiful they are in so many ways? Can't you see that they're very blessed and I'm also blessed to just be positioned near them?"

Yes, I might be a show-off. I wanted to show you off these great people around me, along with the little and big things that can make you feel that you've never thought that you could be thankful for such things. I wanted to show you off that even though I am not special in personality, and I have so many flaws in life, I am really blessed to be able to have a pair of eyes and a brain that could interpret things differently. Yes, I am selfish, I wanted to force these things to you. Maybe 'share' is a better word to describe it, but I do have the desire to tell you that these people, these things, these moments, with my very small hands, I am always trying to grasp these overloading gratitude.

But still, I will always try to improve, because I am very conscious of myself that I need so much more gain, and well, to lose, but always hope to gain more confidence when I rise from every fall.

Reflection done!

Where's 2012?

2011-12-31T22:53:00.000+07:00

It's been long since I did my own illustration, so I did a simple one for today's occasion. A bit messy and normal, I know, but at least I learned a new hairstyle for the character illustration.

An hour (or so) before 2012.

Have a great year!

Fed Up With Illegal Behaviours

2011-12-31T17:17:00.000+07:00

Those humans who club irresponsibly, have affairs everywhere, prostituting their vagina to perverted men, those who smoke, took drugs, killed people with their words, treat the poor like trash and loves it...

Yes, we know you're humans. You and I both like to have fun. Entertain ourselves with entertaining stuff.

But why, why as humans, at least at the very best, why can't we think of finding the 'fun' that won't harm other people and ourselves?

Why can't we just stop hurting each other?

Dad, brother, I love you, but I just can't trust both of you anymore. You guys scrapped the whole thing about gentlemen and the perfect companion, 'the one'. All I see now is bullshit. Bunch of bullshit and ignorant penis-owning human beings.

Gosh.

Productivity My Ass

2011-12-30T15:02:00.001+07:00

The pressure of finishing and catching up with these fucking deadlines murdered my freedom to breathe. Considering gap year even more right now.

Financial letters seemed easy to do, since I thought my parents could take care of it just like other parents did. I forgot that my parents are clueless about these things, and somehow things became.. Super stressful. And yes, I am so bad at managing my time and always so forgetful about the pendulum effect. The consequences. Addition to the unstable stress meter.

God, I beg You to just put a little bit of miracle to my life. A bit of diligence, super amount of gratitude, maybe love? A pinch of trust?

Countless sighs.

Have a great day everyone.

Seriously Furious

2011-12-29T19:57:00.003+07:00

So...

I've been failing to follow my plans these days. For example, the university apps. I haven't touched any of 'em. I don't know how am I supposed to feel about this. But I found a way to figure our how I felt.

I was planning to make a red galaxy. So I did.

...but only halfway.

I suddenly have this urge to try to make my own red pigment. So I did. Then I wiped away all the wetness on the canvas and started to smear the red paint. First it was smooth, but then suddenly I went brutal.

So then it turns out like this:

Although it's still the background, haha.

Now I feel so tired, I'm not even exaggerating.

As I was coming to an end from all of the red smearing, I realized that I was quite mad to myself for being so afraid of pushing some diligence to the surface. I was actually scolding myself while I was smearing. "Why are you so lazy, so fucking bad at executing plans, so afraid of hard work, of concentrating, and why do you keep on escaping from any hard circumstances?"

Yeah, but I still have responsibilities. But yes, I keep on escaping from all of those things. I can't even take a glance at the 2nd marshmallow motivational card in front of me.

Tired. Heavy head. Why am I feeling like this?

I need some positiveness. Sigh.
Have a great night.

Post-Christmas Days

2011-12-27T08:56:00.001+07:00

Second day after Christmas. Second week of school holiday. Eleventh day of the Christmas break.

Yesterday night my mood swung itself. It becomes a pendulum, stuck in the air. I don't really know or even wanna know what's the cause of it. I think with the university apps haunting me, things are quite a bit pressured inside right now.

I have to paint. Three paintings in total. Scan sketches. Ask for financial letters and send them away. Pages and pages of A3 investigation book to be worked on. Very very late internal assessments and TOK essay. More payments for sending away TOEFL and SAT scores.

No I can't panic. I will do it starting tomorrow. Today I'm gonna relax like a hippo. Then tomorrow I will drag myself to the gym and kick some massive asses of homework and apps.

Have a great day.

A Christmas Must

2011-12-25T20:45:00.000+07:00

...the greeting, that is!

On behalf of the Lie/Riyanto family, my sister and I would like to wish you a really great Christmas, plus great post-Christmas time. Basically we wish you a great holiday.

Six days until New Year.

Have a great night.

First, Not Last

2011-12-19T19:08:00.000+07:00

I did some studio photography back in October but it was not fashion and it was strongly someone else's concept. Well, today I got an opportunity to become the photographer for Vanessa's photoshoot. She styled and did the concept herself. Personally I am really amazed at how she was able to style such great looks. Click here to check our fashion collaboration.

At first Vanessa decided to ask our friends to model for us, Patricia and Titan. Still remember them? I did a photoshoot with Patricia back in August and also a test photoshoot with Titan back in July. Then I recommended another model, Adelle. I was looking forward to shoot her a lot since a few months ago, and so I was quite excited about shooting her.

The three of them, they're AMAZING.

Titan always got that fierceness. Patricia, just like our first photoshoot, gave one of the most beautiful smile I've ever captured. Adelle? Oh wow. I can't believe she's still in Gr 9. She got this maturity merged with her innocence, plus beauty. Vanessa and I are so lucky today to be able to have such beautiful friends that can help us to present the clothes closer to perfection.

You don't know how much I am thankful of today, to God, to Vanessa, to Titan, Patricia, and Adelle, and to every single one of you that supported me in my artistic abilities. Hopefully I will continue to capture a lot of beautiful things, or even one day have the ability to bring the beautiful out of what people called ugly.

But, as a reflection of the day...

I have to clean up my camera, and remind myself to take pictures with more accurate white balance. Oh and be more perfectionist in the photoshoot to reduce the amount of editing -- the dirty background, and well, covering zits with concealer. Plus later on, have my own concept or even another collaboration with Vanessa or whoever wants my help!

Have a great night ;)

Friday Night

2011-12-16T22:11:00.000+07:00

There's a lot of things to be thankful for.

Okay.

Currently thinking about what I should paint. Last time I painted my sister and I'm pretty amazed with how good and colorful it turned out in the end. My sister's so beautiful too.

"Midnight Blooming"

Acrylic on canvas, 80 x 100 cm

December 2011

People said she got this very calming beauty. Agreeable!

Since I quite succeeded on the night sky, I wanted to do it in a more small-scaled thing. Smaller canvas with a lighter concept. It is true -- what my art teacher stated a while ago -- that the art students have produced a lot of depressing concepts. It is quite unhealthy for our mental health because we're already so stressed out with the investigation pages and strict due dates, but it does make sense to express the existing stress through our artworks.

Anyways, I have a goal. I wanted to create a lighter and less depressing artwork. I want to search for peace while painting on the canvas. Maybe through painting a sunset, or another galaxy, diffused colors, I still have the least clues in my head. But I must assure you all that it won't be like the one I did this afternoon, and this was due to holding my emotions and tears.

"Slits"

Acrylic on canvas

December 2011

Yes. I can see you cringing.

Night.

Almonds

2011-12-14T23:14:00.001+07:00

Almond nuts are one of those food that could enhance your metabolism. So here I am, snacking on some of these magic nuts, submitting to whatever Reader's Digest had written about it.

Everybody's tired these days, despite the fact that it's the last week of school before three weeks of Christmas break.

My tear ducts, still as loose as a deflated balloon. Fingers still as fiddly as a curious toddler. The need for extra sleep is big, along with the need to buy new canvases and paint the holidays away. I'm still disappointed with myself although the guilt is slowly fading.

I want to sleep so badly. Rest. For 30 hours nonstop. Starve myself for a day or two and feel okay about it. I need something to make me feel more alive, a distraction from this numb source at a certain part of my brain.

At least I had some conversations with some adults that I believe that I kinda trust them enough.

Ok, at least I have to finish a presentation and an A3 page. I'll just prioritize that and prepare for tomorrow. Screw rough essay draft and thank God the Biology essay is due in two days.

Have a great night.

Running In Circles

2011-12-12T09:19:00.001+07:00

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science

Science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

And tell me you love me

Come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

The Scientist - Coldplay

As you were reading the lyrics above, you might have the tune playing in your head. Do you feel that melancholic atmosphere spreading inside of you? Yes, those are emotions. I'm going to prepare my... I don't know, written excessive thoughts?

There's a side of me that I want to admit, am ordinary.

Not that valuable. Similar to everybody else.

Yet there it is, nested for years, easy to be found because it is so familiar.

Yes, that thing is unavoidable, no matter how hard I tried to ignore.

But I kept on asking, am I trying hard enough,

or is it that this is something bigger than what human can grasp?

I have learned why the world wars have such a wide time span.

Because it doesn't take a year or two, or three even, to heal the wounds.

The war is over, the battle don't.

Every single day I kept on fighting

kept wondering if it is necessary.

Kept the silent disappointment to those people who told me "I've been there and it was manageable"

yet I don't have the guts and heart to tell them "let's trade our feet instead of our shoes"

No, I don't want to make in an excuse.

By the influence of my psychologist and my sister, I tried the power of mind.

Positive positive positive negative

Although frustrated with how short the cycle could be,

I kept on fighting.

I thought I was leaving honorable footprints

but being a disappointing being erased the tracks.

No, it is not an excuse.

For I am not visibly sick.

On second thought, I once wished to get cancer.

Because once you're away, you're dead.

People grief instead of giving you judgmental stares.

But I guess that was just another part of this whole thing.

Another suicidal thought.

I am currently working on a painting of my sister.

The title is "Midnight Blooming"

With two swollen eyes, I stared at the half-finished painting

and reminded of our past conversations,

how I witnessed her tears and pain

how she got her own battle

and there I was in the morning

letting her discover that I broke the promise I made to her

and again, I became another burden

yet she was there crying with me

I ran to her room, and told her another word of sorry

I was not sensitive enough

and she said I'm just not healthy enough

and again, another rush of irritation and self-hate

of how life makes this shit as an excuse to unreasonable behaviors

Am I gonna live

long?

Am I going to live with this constant fear

this constant imagination

of a dead body

gushing blood silently

or if worse, slowly dying in seizure

Am I for real?

Dear All,

2011-12-12T08:05:00.001+07:00

I'm sorry.

I'm really really sorry.

I have disappointed a lot of people by being like this.

I hate myself for it but that's another story.

I promise I will work hard to not be like this anymore.

I promise I will live a healthy life with a healthy state of mind.

I can only hope that you all could bear with me a little bit longer.

Although I might be asking for too much, but I can only hope.

Because who am I to demand you all to do so?

Sorry.

Sorry that I can only use that word repetitiously.

For none can match the meaning in my limited vocabulary.

I'm not extremely confident with this promise.

But I promise you all I'll stay alive.

I'll stay alive to make up for those apologies.

I'll stay breathing to make less mistakes.

So that I won't disappoint you and myself.

So that I can stop the hate and let peace prosper.

Ci Ren, Mama, Nia, I'm sorry.

Jess, Lutz, Rob, Bre, I'm sorry.

Mr Weeda, Ms Christine, Dr Diana, I'm sorry.

I'm thankful of you all, really.

But I'm very sorry that I abused your trusts in me.

God, I'm very very sorry.

Please forgive me.

Please let me live for long.

Please give me more strength.

To fight those thoughts, to fight my own hands.

To beat the hell out of myself.

And to survive in this test of Yours.

Hot Air And Rough Edges

2011-12-10T19:47:00.001+07:00

Saturday. Still have lots of responsibilities to do. Instead of doing so, I want to share this video to you.

Enjoy the love.

Have a great Saturday :)

See? I'm O (Sarah) Kay!

2011-12-09T22:03:00.001+07:00

In the midst of low self esteem on my linguistic ability, I found her. I found her comfortable voice. I found spoken word poetry to be highly interesting and enlightening. Language in an art form. Theatrical. Line by line forming unity.

I disliked the word 'coherent' since I found it to be a large weakness. Like a wall it stood between me and a raise from the 4s I've been getting in English class. I envy Sarah Kay. I envy those people who can access the curriculum of spoken word poetry despite the fact that it's still experimental and being developed.

So thankful of ted.com. They can always feed my brain without changing who I am. Yes, I think about a lot of things that might not be necessary for seventeen years old beings. I kept wondering if that's bad or not. What's the damage to think about escapism through art, or about mushrooms as the meat of the nature?

I can never expect myself to be completely ignorant and teen. Hell, expectations are shit. I want to live with less limitations. Don't you?

Here's another Sarah Kay's poetry called "Hiroshima". This is my personal favorite by the way. She made cultural and historical reference, even the bible and reincarnation got included. Purely amazing.

Have a great night.

I'm Going To Be Okay

2011-12-09T20:55:00.001+07:00

I need sleep. But I also need to finish painting my sister. Plus TOEFL tomorrow. Hopefully I could get at least 110 or higher.

This school week went faster than I thought. Hopefully weekend's slower.

Today my mind went through a roller coaster ride. Painful. Not necessary. Even laughing and its reasons became a dilemma in the last period.

Okay.

Sleep!

Here I come!

Handicap

2011-12-06T16:29:00.001+07:00

How can I smile so ridiculously wide, and worse, it's not because I want or intend to. I don't like having less and less self control in life. It's a struggle to make myself do my homework, but now I have lost the control over my facial nerves every single time when my name's called.

Scraped my left knee because of the same idiotic reason.

I don't like this situation. So silly, so idiotic, so unnecessary.

Loads of homework, life's drama, I can see why they're in my life.

But this?

It only makes me feel even more undeserving.

Have a great day.

Theories Theories

2011-12-04T23:08:00.001+07:00

Hair grows. They persevere. Therefore we should persevere like our hair no matter how burnt, how frequent it got damaged, and always cut the bad edges before they become a bad disaster.

Maybe humans -- especially women -- always thought about this special appeal of deep voices. Guys with deep voices, plus points in our ears. I believe that it's because unconsciously deeper voice could hypnotize us. Maybe that's why they make God's voice so deep. Wow, God would be an amazing rapper. He could like, rap the Genesis or the gospels with the cherubs playing harps and trumpets for accompaniment.

My love life is non-existent, but I don't mind because I injected myself with a dose of cheesiness from other stuff these days, like super cheesy plots of Asian dramas, or creatively crafting another world in my imagination. Super pathetic, yet super functional.

Okay.

Night.

Welcoming December Back

2011-12-01T00:45:00.001+07:00

Taking an early break from making Indonesian World Literature essay. At least I have made an outline and quite a decent hook. It gets easier but tense from here, but before continuing on it I realized that it is past midnight. That can only mean... hello December!

Another last month of the year. Whoa. This year has been great so far. Less difficult struggles, lots of fun.

Moving to a new house at the beginning of the year was a change that my family shall be thankful for. New camera marking my 17 years of age, my brother's wedding on March, a great summer full of lunches and lazy days, then the great celebration of Glenys' birthday in Bali with awesome peeps, exposed to new landscapes in Australia, oh and tried Max Brenner's hot chocolate which was the best beverage in the world I have ever tasted.

October was hazy because of the absence of random holidays. While November became a mixture of sadness and joy due to the midterms. The squeezed schedule of the exams panicked the hell out of every student in Grade 12. By the end of the month breakdowns were countable by fingers. Mood swings became unavoidable. We questioned, "What is life? What is sleep? What is social life?"

A new month. Let's pretend that it's a cleaner slate. With the upcoming Christmas colors pasted on the displays in malls, carols playing in shops and commercials, plus a one to three weeks break from school or work, let's admit that you can't wait for the 25th! Don't forget to say happy birthday to Jesus, and also tell Santa Clause to lose a few pounds, oh and welcome the Christmas fairies by having a good night sleep.

Adapting to a more positive state of mind would be a good start, too.

Planning to make a Christmas themed artwork with softened Christmas colors. That'll be great for Ms Christine because she complained about having to grade lots of our depressing artworks.

Have a great December!

You're Back? Really?

2011-11-28T21:42:00.001+07:00

Chest pains. Stomachache. Those chronic internal agonies.

Hey, I know you. You don't have to make a comeback by torturing me. There's something called coming in mildly. I think you should do that. Pay some respect to these mountainous responsibilities. I need them finished in a week or so.

So please, stop the absence of stability. Give me back some optimism. Take away the depressive attitudes.

I'm so sick of living on self-pity, feeling worthless among everybody else, holding back this desire to let it all out through improper ways.

No, I don't feel empty. No one should ever feel empty. There are only good feelings or bad feelings.

Have a great night.

The Last(?) Supper

2011-11-26T20:00:00.001+07:00

Skipped lunch, and woke up at 4, as hungry as a pig.

So I ate!

..some big portions of red rice, spicy dishes, some super awesome squids and crushed ice with beans at Beautika with Glenys -- yes, thank God for Glenys -- and did some grocery shopping. Ate a puffy bread, snacked on these new wheat biscuits she recommended to me, plus a can of cold coffee. I think my maid's currently cutting some kiwis and melon downstairs for tonight.

Since I started consuming Slim Gourmet which was last year's March, I haven't been able to tell myself that it's okay to eat a big dinner once in a while without, well, without ... ing.

But despite the fact that I might gain a few kilograms after tonight, I think it's going to be manageable. It's okay to have a feast once in a long while, to live in the moment with a close friend you're comfortable with, especially after a week of being a rolling tumbleweed in the middle of a scorching desert.

So full. It feels weird to recover from another breakdown. Feeling a bit uncertain too, somehow.

Cheers, and have a great night.

Breaking Down

2011-11-26T16:15:00.001+07:00

First of all, I would like to apologize for my poor writing skills. I have always been struggling with using correct grammars and direct sentences. My English teacher highlighted almost all paragraphs on every page of my English paper 1 exam and wrote "confusing" beside them. This morning as I was about to practice SAT, I encountered the essay section, and felt extremely stupid all of a sudden. Turns out that the exam affected me quite greatly to a point where just to write this entry, I might have abused my backspace button by the end of this paragraph.

But what the hell, this is my blog. Mr Clint won't read it anyway.

I have not been able to cry for about a month or so, and so I did so yesterday. I was afraid of getting a suspension due to getting my 4th afterschool detention, but I was wrong. As long as I hand in my late assignments the day after being given the detention, I will not get any. I thought that was it, I will cry again after a month, but I have forgotten that the state of depression always lasts longer than just a single batch of 24 hours.

I'm not comfortable with the feeling of being alone. I haven't seen my mom and dad because they were really busy for the past few days. It was hard to have a proper conversation with my sister because I have to hold my sleepiness for the past three school days. I woke up to an empty house this morning -- not exactly empty, my maids are always there -- and suddenly felt disappointed with myself, with the empty screen of my BlackBerry, with the incredibly thick SAT book, with the similar lengths of the two needles on my room's clock.

Staying depressed for days isn't my style anymore. This quote I found back in August always popped into my mind whenever I woke up after some hours of sleep which was created because I was tired of crying the minutes before I fell to one. The words make sense. No matter how frequent, how time consuming, how big or small each breakdown could be, you will always be forced to move on.

Still, all I wish for now is to stop thinking, to not be reminded of my flaws, my negative feelings, the unstable emotions that may switch on the tear ducts at any time.

Have a great weekend.

Post-exam Week

2011-11-25T22:17:00.001+07:00

Because of last week's narrowed down focus, this week the students of Grade 12 got their responsibilities that were put aside last week, plus new responsibilities (read: homework, SAT, applications).

Despite the fact that I've been feeling a bit unstable at the beginning of the week, I failed to convince myself that I need to really charge up to Dr D's office, resulting well, no presence of stability in emotions. Good thing about it is that I cried. It felt so nice.

I feel like if I write more, I might break down. So I'll just stop now and sleep.

Have a great weekend.

Wicked Wish of The Oz

2011-11-23T23:03:00.001+07:00

Hey Tin Man, if you want a heart, I can actually give you one. I don't need this sensitivity right now. I was hoping to become an ignorant robot that could only obey and obey. At least by being a robot, I could be useful for many people without having any emotion or intention to hurt them if I ever made a mistake.

Sigh.

That Efficient Dose of Cheese

2011-11-21T21:58:00.001+07:00

Instead of spending hours and days or maybe weeks to watch Korean dramas, I decided to read recaps of the plot. It is as amazing as watching them, and saved me lots of time too.

Monday's hard. I listed things today and found a lot of things to do. Seemed impossible, but somehow I am positive that if I take it one at a time, I would finish it by the end of the year.

I just wish I have more time to sleep though...

Have a great night.

The Sweet Sunday

2011-11-20T20:48:00.001+07:00

Woke up in the morning feeling exhausted, but I got my nap in the late afternoon which prepared me for a great all-nighter to paint and do some pages for Art. I'm quite looking forward to finishing my painting by Tuesday the latest. I'm just at this state where my mentality is in content, ready for work. Currently reading some articles at CNN.com about China's economy though.

It feels good to be honest, but then again, must be cautious and aware of the timing. Sometimes honesty can hurt people, and so being honest needs to be a character that's not stupidly based. It should be based on good intentions and knowing that honesty would bring a better tomorrow, breaking all tension and random assumptions.

Somehow fear can constantly linger. Losing a someone leaves a scar, and therefore you reflect back to the past when you see a pattern that indicates a potential similar situation. You have to have a clear head to cope with personal and emotionally-affecting things such as relationships with friends, family, etc. But still, I can't help to lower down my expectations to -- not the person, but -- life. In the count of day(s) or month(s), things could happen beyond your expectations.

Anyways, China is growing in their economy. Unexpectedly the things they did that most citizens might not be 100% happy about such as banning facebook and twitter, but then they provided similar services from their own country which boosted up the demand, benefiting China in all domestic ways.

Indonesia too! I would like to congratulate Lion Air for their agreements with Boeing in buying new airplanes that would be delivered in 2017. They would be expanding their routes to the north Asian countries. This would definitely promote Indonesia and break the monopoly of Garuda Indonesia in outside-Southeast Asia travel routes. Click here to read the article.

Hopefully things are going to be stable for awhile. I'm planning to finish all the late works from Biology to clear up the haunting feeling of not getting things done.

Go Olen, go!

Have a great night.

Just Listing Things Aloud

2011-11-19T23:04:00.001+07:00

Books to read :

Damned
Tiger, Tiger
Emotional Intelligence
The Reader
The Last Empress
Monocle (magazine)
NYLON (magazine)

Things to study for extra :

Psychology HL -- need the Oxford press book for IB Psychology
Pattern cutting -- from the book by Lawrence King press
Economics -- analyzing articles
New art approach -- videos, books, trials, more artworks

To complete for school :

College applications and payments
The forever unfinished late Biology IAs
Studio piece for Art plus 4 pages
TOEFL payment
Study SAT
Bahasa presentation on Ernest Hemingway's short story
Read Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451

Got long ways to go before the next break.

Christmas, coming in 5 weeks.

Have a great endurance in life.

Aimless Staring

2011-11-18T22:20:00.001+07:00

Sometimes I have this urge to write about this gloomy feelings I got; a combination of guilt, after-exam blah-ness, constant consciousness of facing the society, and the haunting future.

But when I opened the tab for blogger, I went blank. I even opened two of them. But then I'll be there, most likely staring into any space, blurring and moving particles of light and air, having my brain mope around a parallel atmosphere.

Without any eligible reason, I could taste the horribleness of this being, of myself, lingering in the form of chest pains, heavy eyelids, squeezing brain, and exhaustion.

I need a break from life, or a charge up.

Oh and shout out to a someone who I figured out as a frequent reader of my blog. Like, really read for real. No skimming. Thanks and lots of hugs for you and loyal readers of this blog :)

Have a great night.

Less Doubtful

2011-11-17T23:04:00.001+07:00

Uni-talk with my parents. One of the hardest things that would be categorized as 'purely challenging' in life. They've been assured since I was Grade 6 that I wanted to do fashion, I wanted to go to England for university, but today I have to explain to them the change of course and country, plus briefly about the American system. When I told them I wanted to major in Fine Arts and study in USA, my mom went silent.

My mom's silence is mystical. It always convert 10 seconds into what it feels like an hour.

After an hour and a half of explaining things, making sure that things are okay with them so I could proceed with my applications, my mom only have one request; she wanted me to be one city with my cousin -- I forgot which city though, either San Fransisco or New york.

It was a moment of this little triumph. Thank You oh You beautiful God!

The decision of changing majors might surprise some of you, especially the ones that knew me since I was in primary school. I started drawing clothes since Grade 1 and can't stop chattering about how cool Central St Martins is. But I figured out that I have this doubt inside after I went through a summer course at ESMOD in 2009. I only enjoyed the process of making clothes by 60%, and to realize that I've been forcing myself to design sometimes, it's crazy of how a revelation works.

While having a conversation with Mr Weeda this afternoon, I had side thoughts and then it all became clear when I started to tell Mr Weeda about these thoughts. I wanted to take Fine Arts. I wanted to paint, create something, shape something with my own hands, and have the strongest meanings in life reflected in a visual, something intangible becoming tangible for people to see. The confidence of being diligent in 4 years of university is high in Fine Arts compared to Fashion Design.

Still, my interests are generally broad, but strong and passionate. I will still be attached to fashion for my whole life because it is a branch of art too. Therefore in the end, I still want to make clothes, possibly for a living, but I wanted my career to be different. I wanted it to be less superficial, and rather be more focused on what life is all about, how it can be embraced through beauty in many ways, many directions. Therefore my goal in life is to combine Fine Arts and Fashion together. Don't think Alexander McQueen on Manish Arora, think about a new thing, like a newly invented profession with a whole new pathway. Although the idea is vague and you might think it's kind of dreamy, but it is my goal in life, and I will take the risks.

Rather than being ignorant toward some things, I want to be aware of the world in as many aspects I could absorb, observe, witness, and interpret. Yes, it is a form of selfishness, but I think this is why God put me in this earth; to be an ordinary, striving for a goal that leads to universal extraordinary.

Taken at March 2011.

Have a great night.

Wrong and Right At The Same Time

2011-11-17T16:57:00.001+07:00

Hello, how are you, I am fine thank you.

I've been having a creeping feeling of loneliness due to isolating myself away from my BlackBerry, and also exams took a lot of my time. Yet there's also the fact that I'm getting further away from being able to open myself up to people privately. I feel like my best friends are distant, and there's no one available because they already have a someone. It leaves me with a bit of an emotional fright.

But I guess it's good if I could be ignorant about it for a bit and be ok with it. Locking out some sappy emotions would be the right thing to do right now. There's a lot of things to focus on until the end of December. I can't afford to lose opportunities just because of sudden peaking sensitivity.

Still, I just wish that I could be more positive and sure that my friends would be there as always, that they won't go further away in the count of months. People come and go, but the scars stay.

Have a great day.

Constant Cringing

2011-11-16T22:28:00.001+07:00

This may count as a... okay I'd rather not mention the word due to how it may trigger negative feelings out of me, which will leave me unmotivated through the night, abandoning Biology from my sight, but at least I can only admit that I'm postponing the 2nd marshmallow encouraging concept for this entry.

I was reading an article at seoulbeats.com about a KPop band consisted of two 16 years old members, a 17, and older-aged members for the rest. What I like about this website is that the authors wrote articles that didn't just talk about how great and easily-influencing-teenagers KPop are, but they raised issues like how the songs sometimes are just cookie-cutter meaningless stuff, education versus idolatry, and even bad fashion taste. This time, the group was being bashed about how their music video have 'cheating' as a part of the plot and underage driving. It was really interesting, and the music video did made me cringed all the way through. Purely unimpressive.

Then time.com was just beside that tab, and I read about an article that kept the cringing constant even from its title; "In Latin America, Looking at the Positive Side of Child Labor". Feeling a bit offended morally, I skeptically asked the question, "What positive side?" and many thoughts came to mind as I was eagerly scanning through the details. Turns out that the world is beyond screwed that children -- in their very youthful and growing age -- have better consciousness and willingness to make not only a living, but a big family's living, compared to the adults. The gap of their work motifs also widens. To see corrupt politicians side-by-side to public bus-filler 15 years old Victor Chipani who's working to feed eight of his siblings, it's like seeing a black ball of trash at the size of a ping pong ball beside the Canis Majoris star; yes, I'd rather see these corrupt politicians as the supposed-to-be non-existing.

Before reading those two articles, I was watching Daniel Goleman's talk on compassion at ted.com. It was quite enlightening as he was explaining how we humans have the wrong focus in life when it comes to facing the many opportunities to help others, and tend to be so focused on self-benefits without thinking about how others might benefit. He ended the talk with his own experience of rescuing an in-crisis Hispanic man just by noticing the weak body who were stepped on by so many people at the way down to the subway. He left us such an encouraging hope by saying, "...all it took was that simple act of noticing, and so I'm optimistic." yet I am not surprised if people still doubt in this very screwed up humanity, not that I'm pessimistic or disagreeing. I'm just stating a possible realistic reaction.

Being human, amuses and fascinates me at the same time. But my life is just a micro, wait, no, nanoscopic, attocospic, of what humans are, and it is not enough to represent every human being living in this world. That's why there are books, articles, media, social interactions, which allow us to know other lives, and it is a constant discovery each day when you're aware of what you're observing, what you found, and what you understood from it by the end of that given time period.

A lot of friends panicked over the amount of materials that we have to study for Biology tomorrow, but in this situation after reading these articles, it seemed unfair and unnecessary to panic over something that's still way more solvable and provided compared to the real issues mentioned above; plus the unmentioned and those that are happening right at this second and in the future.

Another sigh and a hmm..

Good night.

Mrs Irene's

2011-11-16T19:30:00.001+07:00

My sister made the best cookies ever.

Two days left, then midterms end.

Then back to fooling around and getting deeper with my artistic side, listening to iTunes 5 hours a day minimum, dinners and lunches with the coolest peeps around, watching Korean variety shows (although not as frequent 'cause I have applications to do), etc.

Found this picture from a shoot at Elle Korea Sept 2010 feauturing T.O.P from a band called Big Bang and an actress called Lee Mi Sook.

So eager to know who's the photographer because I'm not familiar with the models, but the angle and color is really cool and narrative-ish.

Ok, blogging done. At 8 I shall start on Biology.

2nd marshmallow, here I come!

Deflated Hairconomics

2011-11-14T20:31:00.001+07:00

Fighting breakouts with frequent face-washing, keeping a polished and sunny brain with a minimum of a cup of coffee everyday, holding back all hedonistic activities until the weekend or well until the month ends; hello everyone, welcome to midterms exam week!

Today was all about English and Economics.

Everyone are at their top of the game when it comes to language exams. Yet when it comes to Humanities subjects (Geography, History, Economics), most of us IB students studied until our brains de-wrinkled. Pardon my hyperbole for after this I am about to devour on literary works and terms for tomorrow's double language exams.

Just like Zimbabwe, my hair faced deflation on the first day of this exam week. Maybe by Friday it'll be as if I went to the hair salon and did some smoothing; as straight as Cher's.

Another trauma created caused by the Economics exam paper 1 and (partial) paper 2. It became one of the biggest regrets in my 17 years-old life. Out of the 4 syllabus in total, I enjoyed those ones presented today, and somehow I knew that if I studied more closely and not careless, not skipping the littlest details, I could've won over that paper. I could've at least be confident that I'll get a 5 out of 7. I am hoping that it'll appear in the next Economics papers on Wednesday but fellow friends said they won't, usually, since they already appeared.

Currently browsing nytimes.com and time.com because I can't get over those regretful papers. Wishing that what I read today would help me on Wednesday. Unnecessary hopefulness? Let us pretend that it isn't.

Next stop: Indonesian paper 1 commentary and English paper 2 topical essay.

Ah, the 'joy' of being an IB student.

Have a great night.

Erghxams

2011-11-13T18:46:00.001+07:00

I can't cry right now. I want to, but I literally can't because there's not much reasons. There's this lump that I just want to shout out and let free but I can't. I need this thing to go out or else I won't be able to study well.

SOMEBODY SHAKE THE HELL OUT OF ME!

Human Skull

2011-11-13T05:35:00.001+07:00

noun

a person who questions the validity or authenticity ofsomething purporting to be factual.

a person who maintains a doubting attitude, as towardvalues, plans, statements, or the character of others.

a person who doubts the truth of a religion, especiallyChristianity, or of important elements of it.

Watching variety shows has become an out-of-place and out-of-timing hobby. Despite the cheesiness and sometimes the exposed melancholy of life, or touching heart stories and all that, I still doubt that they are real. These things can just be scripted, and these celebrities might just be great actors that followed its cues and dialogues. How easy can human beings manipulate things like these and fool us all, and then blame us for wanting to be fooled all along in the first place because we demanded for the dreamy essence of the entertainment world.

The Pursuit of What?

2011-11-12T20:51:00.001+07:00

"The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things."

- Henry Ward Beecher

"Yet even though a high IQ is no guarantee of prosperity, prestige, or happiness in life, our schools and our culture fixate on academic abilities ignoring emotional intelligence, a set of traits -- or some might call it character -- that also matters immensely for our personal destiny."

- Daniel Goleman

"If you want happiness in an hour? Take a nap. If you want happiness for a day? Go fishing. If you want happiness for a year? Inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime? Help someone else."
- Chinese Proverb

"The secret of happiness is to admire without desiring."

- Francis Herbert Bradley

"Success is getting what you want, happiness is wanting what you get."

- Dale Carnegie

...and somehow the concept of happiness reminds me of how Christians describe God. Are all these things existing trustworthy as long as humans live? The questions linger endlessly.

Midterm exams in less than 48 hours.

Have a great journey everybody.

Vaccine

2011-11-11T23:50:00.001+07:00

The world can fascinates endlessly.

But then frustrates me at the same time.

Have a great weekend.

This Ain't Bubble Gum

2011-11-09T23:39:00.003+07:00

Time moves like running water. Flowing endlessly like blessings from above.

I'm such a lucky person, being able to express myself through colors and shapes, various fictional concepts or even the based-on-real life ones. I'm a human projector, yet I'm projecting what's in my mind because people can barely get what I said most of the time.

I might be disconnected from the common logic thoughts, but I have my own way to express my artistic thoughts too. It takes some time though, but it's worth it.

I'm gonna introduce you to my new artwork when it's done :)

Have a great night.

Midnight Cravings

2011-11-09T01:01:00.000+07:00

Big fat juicy strawberries. Sweet golden kiwis. Small cubes of honeydew melons.

I want lots and lots of them so badly for snacks.

The Korean cookies 'n cream sandwich ice cream that I ate yesterday afternoon. Oh and the red bean fish-shaped vanilla ice cream. My mom always stocked the fridge with Korean ice creams every month. I can only eat them once every two weeks :'(

Potato pancakes. Those shredded potatoes made to pancakes from Marche, or the ones at Potato Head restaurant. Potatoes cooked at almost any ways are the best!

Thick pork hams sliced and fried with eggs. Ugh. I haven't eat this for such a long time.

Emping crackers and prawn crackers dipped in soto soup. Oh. So good.

Baileys. Milky body-warming beverage. It's like tiramisu on fire!

Napa cabbage in soups. Mbak Ti could make the best vegetable soup for hainan rice's side dish. Oh napa cabbage is those cabbage you use for making kimchi too. Oh well, in any ways, napa cabbage is the best vegetable you could've digest in your life.

A cup of Nescafe coffee, but I can't get it now because I'm about to sleep in a few minutes.

Onigiri; Japanese rice balls. The ones with tuna in it, and also the ones with umeboshi (pickled Japanese plums). I've been eating Japanese food quite frequently but it's hard to find onigiri here in Jakarta. My friend at school happened to bought one and brought it to school last week, so I took a few bites. How nostalgic.

Wonton noodle that my family and I ate in Guangzhou. Wonton is Asian's most delicious pasta-related food. Plus the dim sum. Chinese just can't live without dim sum just like Italians can't live without pasta.

Oh and at last, grape Fanta.

Sorry to make you hungry. Hehe.

Have a great morning.

Unlike Yesterday

2011-11-06T17:55:00.000+07:00

Started out today with a rough thing going on. I hate it. I went mad in the morning for awhile and decided to just drop my responsibilities. Struggled to go back to sleep for an hour but then I woke up at 2 and decided to watch some variety shows.

Hungry and lonely, but somehow I don't dislike the feeling at all. I feel like it's such an accomplishment for me to not eat at all until now, or to just feel lonely but not sad.

Gonna watch some more shows until midnight :)

Have a great day.

I Walk With My Brain

2011-11-05T11:14:00.000+07:00

People hate the feeling of being busted, whether aggressively or mildly in a conversation. Being busted for cheating on your girlfriend, or doing something embarrassing, or being busted for assuming things wrongly, being busted for the real you while you always put on a facade, and most of the time we think we could defend ourselves to avoid any 'misunderstandings', but then the people who found you will just pretend to believe whatever you said.

We hate to be discovered and busted when we're being most human. We got busted and it is shocking for them because we thought humans were unpredictable and turns out that they are. Their personality does not stay in one box like a kid's shape-learning block, but they're marbles, scattered on the ground, rolling to visible places and some stayed hidden under the table, but some people still find them glistening.

Sometimes I wish I could be another creature that's not human, but not animals too. I want to be an alien, a creature from another planet with different characteristics from human. Maybe they have an ability to understand human better. Maybe they could be so advanced that they can actually know how to make world peace possible. Maybe they could be so enlightening that they could make all humans realized that we've been acting childish and stupid, or maybe, well, they could just start to put us in slavery because we're so stupid and weak.

I also imagined that being God must be painfully fun. You have the ability to understand humans fully but You have the responsibility to keep the world spinning on its axis. God, I salute to You.

Have a great day everyone :)

Around That Finger

2011-11-05T01:28:00.001+07:00

I have this little obsession toward rings. I think they're really symbolic whether it's worn for fun or ceremonial ones.

Not a long time ago, my sister brought her couple rings and engraved them at a jewelry shop. I thought, "Wow, that's fun and neat."

I would like to have an engraved ring, but then it'll be awkward if I just buy one and engrave it with something meaningless, or my own name. I would surely want one when I have someone to share it with. I guess that'll be in a very long time though.

But oh well, in the present I could survive with my photography engagement ring. Maybe one day I could modify it by putting a piece of Amethyst (my birthstone) or Sapphire (just because it's blue) at the lens part of the ring. That'll be cool.

Have a great night.

Applying For Which Future?

2011-11-03T02:41:00.002+07:00

Just finished filling up my transcript request forms. Final nine universities with different kinds of majors that I wanted to take. It is really amazing how you just don't understand about almost anything when it comes to your independence in the future. College is scary. College is another level of focused academics. College is not IB but can it turn into a sudden prison too?

I have very moderate hopes for these nine universities. I haven't started mounting portfolios, or asking for financial statement letters from my parents, or even paying for transcripts. Yes, moderate hope with a lack of executing the very vague plan.

Fashion design. Photography. Fine Arts. Caught between the three things I have been revolving my life around with.

This can be considered as a taboo thing but I've been thinking, what if all of those universities rejected me? What will I actually do? Maybe I'll ask my mom I want to take gap year and try to figure out what parts of art I could focus on the most. Maybe my parents might suggest me to learn from them and one day take over the shop, or they will just force me to find a decent university to continue my studies, whatever it'll be in.

But I want art so badly. I want to be in both visual and performing. I want to explore so many things. I want my life to not always be about money as the final objective. I want to walk around and take pictures in North Korea instead of drinking many glasses of wine somewhere in a western lounge. So many things that I want, but is that what I need? What are my needs anyway? Clueless.

People who said to me that I'm lucky I knew what I wanna be, well, I guess we're all wrong. I don't. I want to be everything that it leaves me nothing.

God, help!

Nice Guys

2011-11-02T16:27:00.001+07:00

I think nice guys are such heart-warming people. They're realistic, a bit dreamy, obviously kind, and nothing that indicates too-much-ness.

What I mean by nice here is the obvious one. You don't really have to get to know that guy, they're just nice. They help any kinds of people, they talk to everyone, friendly, simply nice. They're not as macho as those guys in Esquire, but they have this deep appeal that surfaces just like that.

How rare to find one these days though..

Journals Journals Journals

2011-10-31T01:25:00.002+07:00

Remember my 365 days red journal?

I have been constantly filling it up until 015. I don't exactly fill it up according to its days, sometimes I even used two pages for a day especially for the ongoing quotes page. I must say the experience is priceless. It's a whole different level than blogging. The journal is quite private and personal but I still allow some parts to be seen by those who visited my room 'cause I never really bring it anywhere. It's like a home project, and I enjoy every process of it.

Kinda embarrassed though. I filled the book with many thoughts and things that I must admit most of them reflect the teenage side of me, the common being, ordinary procrastinating student, constantly dreaming about the what-ifs, future, current obsessions, daily amazement, etc. Nothing much to make other people curious about it.

Oh it's Monday already. Last weekend was great, socially. Academically, well, hopefully in hours I'll be able to finish my Economics internal assessment.

Dear this week, be an easy one please. Doubt it though, since the science group I got assigned to decided to dissect guinea pigs for our smoker-testing experiment.. You know what, I should plan a proper burial for them.

Have to finish all the transcript request forms and apps for college before Friday.

Portfolio, prints, photocopies, mounting, packages, payments, essays, plus the school assignments... sigh.

Coffee, Coldplay, KPOP, my dogs, you are my midnight best friends.

Have a great night.

Feedbacks

2011-10-30T02:08:00.002+07:00

"What are you doing in IB, Len? You should go to an Art school." - Glenys

"If you go to Art school, you will not have 4 IAs waiting." - Melia

"You're one of the most genuine people I know; how you value things, and how you really truly mean the things you say as a friend and as an artist :)" - Jesslyn

"Gue ngeliat elo kalo fotografer kayak apa yah, fotografer keseharian mungkin? Gue jadi berasa deket banget sama objek-objek yang lo foto." - Nini

"When you take picture, you have like, stories." - Lutz

"Thanks for taking pictures, Len!" - many people

Thank you, God.

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you, photography.

Thank you, life.

Thank you, art.

You make things make sense to me.

I'm Not Safe

2011-10-28T03:40:00.001+07:00

Sleep deprived. Mood's not really good. I really have to stabilize myself before school starts, especially when I have to finish at least one homework so that if I get an afterschool detention, I won't get two of them at once.

Drank coffee, finished for English reading (until page 40ish), but then Econ IA still not done. Art still not done. Applications still not done. Regret! What have I been doing for these past hours?

I want to sleep, and at the same time I want to wake up. I want to do it straight and get it done, but at the same time I thought I was waiting for the productiveness to come. Sometimes waiting can result to nothing. Today is an example of that -- of course, this is not my first.

So bland. I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't want to make my mood as an excuse. My Econ and Art teacher, they tolerated me for quite a lot of times. I'll be super guilty by the end of today if they're disappointed.. but to be realistic time is not enough for me to satisfy both homework. I'm just gonna do what I can do.

Sleep and diligence, I really need you both right now :'(

Have a great morning.

"Seventeen and insane"

2011-10-27T23:41:00.001+07:00

Currently reading Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451 for English class. Creepy dystopian world yet very interesting. I envy people who can write REAL literature. They're endlessly witty and great at expressing their feelings in priceless phrases. Those can turn into famous quotes.

Seventeen is old.

Seventeen is young.

You're currently between dependence and independence.

You're expecting yet scared of the transition that'll happen in the future.

Art.

Performing and visual.

Point of views.

Hey, same initials!

Coldplay's new song, Paradise, from their Mylo Xyloto album hit me in the head with their super stunning lyrics. It stunned me to the point where I almost cried.

when she was just a girl

she expected the world

but it flew away from her reach so

she ran away in her sleep

and dreamed of

para para paradise

every time she closed her eyes

Sleep is my escapism. I pity those people who valued sleep less. Sleep is health. Sleep is dream. Sleep is rest. Sleep is pause. Sleep is God-given. Sleep is a privilege. So never put sleep off from your agenda. Sleep is necessary. Sleep is your little haven, and so it is mine too.

Ironically, I might not be sleeping tonight, for crying out loud. Life and your decisions can be such cruel comeback arrows. Procrastination stole sleep from me.

I shall close my eyes in the morning and keep searching for paradise.

Have a great night.

Hey Muse(s)

2011-10-26T00:25:00.003+07:00

Found this picture; the only picture of two of my favorite people in the world, together.

Bali, August 2011.

Their beauty, ability to be photogenic and expressive, great personalities, and great dreams, I mean come on who can ask for more?

I have told a lot of people about this but again, without Brea and her mom I might not be as involved as I am right now in the world of photography. They motivated me and appreciated my works from the beginning, and Brea's bubbly and energetic expressive personality never fails to inspire me --and somehow her optimism raised me up every time I fell into (art) crisis. Thank you for giving me a lot in the beginning that it grew into such a gigantic passion until now. (P.S. Can't wait for you to go back to Jakarta, Bre *hugs*)

Although famous as Timeless Beauty, besides that nickname I made a new one today for Jesslyn; Gesso. Gesso is the Italian for 'chalk'. It's the basis paint for canvases, wood panels, and sculptures. I've been wondering about how for these past one year and a half, Jesslyn has been very generous to lend her beauty and time to help a lot of us, art students, in our photography and drawing projects. Personally, she's been a constant muse for this past year, and she got such great taste of art that she also gave me ideas in the midst of shoot which optimized the results in the end. I can see the possibility that we'll end up in NY doing a big-scaled project in art and journalism :)

Thanks, Bre and Jess. Thanks, God.

Have a great night.

I'm Seeing Red

2011-10-25T19:05:00.000+07:00

Spent the afternoon locked up in a studio, accompanying some cool peeps taking pictures for their art project. I helped a bit and took one of Ella's concept, but the rest would be all behind the scenes.

Since these pictures aren't meant to be taken for the sake of art, I just want to share it all with you guys instead of posting them in my visual blog. The concepts doesn't belong to me and so I feel a bit lost if I want to present them as my pictures. So let it be journalistic instead :)

Silliness in the morning.

Josephine's first concept. The glamorous red is really beautiful.

Made a heart out of a rose petal and took a picture of it on Jesslyn's hand.

Ella's super dark make up.

Abel and Melia sharing a hug.

Little man and big boy.

Josephine and her models of the day.

I learned something from today; I am quite horrible at studio photography. I am not Terry Richardson or even Juergen Teller. I feel limited in a studio with lack of knowledge in lighting and all that. Maybe it's because this is my first time trying out a studio, but then I just know that I still love the outdoors and the natural sunlight on people's faces much better. I'll stick to being on the side where Cass Bird and David K Shields roamed.

Hoping for more strength to study and improve in any aspects of art, because that is love.

Have a great night.

Suffocated With Inspiration

2011-10-24T23:37:00.000+07:00

Trying a new fading color style for today.

Took a picture of my inspiration corner on my push-pin board.

Audrey Kawasaki, Mark Ryden, dreamcatcher, vintage hues, skin colors; love.

Found several great photographers today. Their pictures are braingasmic. Stomach-flipping. Suffocating. One of them would be Stacey Mark and her grainy beauties. Oh, art, don't take my life away, please. Let me indulge on you longer, consume each other as if we're that two complementary drugs completing each other's desire to get high.

Ashley Smith by Stacey Mark. Courtesy of Rika Magazine.

Have to calm down. Get some sleep. Charge my camera. Read a chapter of Chuch Palahniuk.

Have a great night.

Gooey Brain

2011-10-24T15:48:00.001+07:00

GO AWAY YOU FUCKING HEADACHE!

YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK PHYSICALLY

FUCK YOU

...woke up in a very cranky mood, continued throughout the day. Things work so bad today since the morning. This is either PMS or a punishment.

But I'm hoping you all have a great day today.

Hip & Run

2011-10-22T23:20:00.002+07:00

Became third and seventh wheel since the start of the evening. Went to Potatohead at Pacific Place for dinner and desserting ourselves at Canteen.

Oh lord of the rings, this evening is a time of indulgence with intentional IB-ignoring peeps (of course including me).

Bought interesting books to read, at last! New Chuck Palahniuk and a book that Jesslyn pointed out because of its extreme pedophilia theme which I thought was fictional, but when I found out that it's true story my disgust erased itself and I bought the book straight away.

Hoping to teach well tomorrow.

Hope to be able to wake up early.

Have a great night, everybody.

You Got Served!

2011-10-22T16:08:00.001+07:00

SPH Senior Girls Volleyball team won the JAAC, beating the teams of international schools around Jakarta!

Congratulations, Ibu Riri and team. We worked hard enough to win this; all the afterschool practices, spending few Saturday mornings waking up early to be able to attend the games in different schools, etc.

Thank You, Lord. Thanks everybody!

Next stop: SPH Cup in November.

Eagles BOOM!

801st Post

2011-10-21T01:33:00.000+07:00

The first one was just today, October 21st and the next was on July 26th. I am kind of suspicious about my hair length. Is it really getting longer, or it's getting thicker instead?

Does my hair growth starts to follow my metabolism, where instead of getting taller vertically, I'm getting taller horizontally?

Mystery of life (or just the length of my hair). Will be revealed again in months.

Paging Dr Urge

2011-10-20T20:52:00.000+07:00

Damn, I wish that the picture's not telling the truth.

So bored. Waiting for some mood to work to come, or just enough urge to force myself to work to appear.
Oh oh let's do a 'talk show' style for today's entry!

*insert bubble-gum-ish talk show jingle here, clap clap*

Host : Hello everybody! Welcome to The Talk Show of The Moody! Today we have a guest from Jakarta, Olen Riyanto!
Olen (me) : Hello! Bonjour! Ni hao ma! Annyong haseyo! Marishka hargitay!
Host : So Olen, what have you been doing today on Thursday, October 20th, 2011?
Olen : Woke up at 12, ate and took some medicine, then I've been watching Asian variety shows ever since. Although I did took out my Biology stuff and made a list on a post-it about my homework that are due tomorrow. But then I decided to chill until now.
Host : ...okay, so are you procrastinating?
Olen : Indeed!

...okay stopping the nonsense. I'm trying to bring up the mood for myself right now. Since Tuesday, my after school at home has been pretty lazy. I thought I was improving on Monday. Turns out I'm that 3-seconds-spirited person. So disappointing.

Gonna work hard tonight. Maybe not sleeping would be the best decision I could make for today. This weekend's a long one anyways. I could rest for extra. Oh shit, no! I have a painting to finish :s

So oh well, here's for a long night tonight.

Have a great night.

Habitual

2011-10-18T22:51:00.002+07:00

Throwing away a habit is always hard, but it's not impossible.
Maybe what I need is some gradual assurance.

Downloaded some indie songs, again, after months of being so attached with Asian pop culture.

Okay, gotta stop procrastinating.
Have a great night.

Seconds of Getting Lost

2011-10-17T01:45:00.001+07:00

I was watching some music video just now and while admiring the beat and dance moves, I got lost in a silence created in my brain.

I realized that I was asking myself "How long are you gonna stall yourself from reality?"

"How long do you need to decide the major that you're going to write on your college applications?"

"Do I really like fashion design or do you want to take photo-journalism for real?"

I want to cry for real when I listened to my own thoughts.

Here I am procrastinating, bringing myself a step further from finishing the things that are due in less than 6 hours, yet a step closer to a very vague and uncertain future.

Somehow, that question of 'what shall I be' saddens me quite moderately, because I think I know I'm really interested in the subject that have less competitive behavior. Plus I feel like the fashion world is getting too elite. I want a job that allows me to reach many different areas, social stratum, issues, etc. I want to have less limitations. I mean you could see that it'll also work in the fashion side of things but somehow recently I've realized that fashion is just another medium in art, something tangible but well, most likely they are popular because they're functional.

Fashion became too commercial, and the goal in the end is always money. I mean of course we need money to live, but then it's kind of shallow to have a job that you enjoy but in the end of the rainbow you're expecting an absolute presence of a pot of gold. Sometimes you even hoped for a leprechaun that'll serenade you (bonus).

Argh I'm holding my tears. The future is scary. Even hours from now, things are gonna be a bit repelling when the teachers found out I haven't done my homework.

GAH!

Me And My Fucked Up Determination

2011-10-17T00:58:00.001+07:00

My determination is like a fucked up mystery.

I always have things planned ahead in my mind ...and in an hour or so those plans will be pushed back, again and again. The plans were so perfect and I must say if I have the power to resist temptation and procrastination, I will be one of the most accurately-planning-and-decently-executing people in this world. The problem lies on the executing part (as always). I'm too dumb and weak to hold back from any kind of disturbance that would take me far far away from school-associated things.

I know I have to force optimistic views inside my head these days but I can't help to panic about the situation and its future right now. Things are going to be very shitty if I don't change my (you can't really call it working either...) working system. College apps, tasteful interests leading to tasteful music and topics of conversation, weight loss, good night sleep, etc. Ugh.

Yes, sorry, I'm going to keep whining a lot these days.

And YES I want to ask the big question: WHY??? WHY ME???

Okay. Back to.. the attempt of gathering the mood to study.

Coffee's ready, videos ready, heart-prepared-for-whatever-comes-tomorrow ready?

Have a great night.

Stress Reliever, Worries Eraser

2011-10-16T02:09:00.000+07:00

Oh wow it's Sunday already.

I'm really glad I did a lot of things yesterday, especially hanging out with the people I enjoyed hanging out with. Plus BBM-ing with Brea about a lot of things. In the midst of stress and worries, I can still find a day (or two) of catching up with a long-lost socializing mood and life, only if I wanted to.

Below is a picture from today's impromptu concept that didn't make it to my visual blog. It's a bit out-of-the-context of the overall concept I wanted to portray but I still like it a lot.

Need. Sleep. Teaching English tomorrow at church. Still have a painting and a powerpoint presentation to finish.

Ah, weekend. Why can't you stay longer?

Have a great day.

When Light Enters The Room

2011-10-15T08:41:00.000+07:00

Getting out of bed is definitely a struggle on weekends.

But then you're excited for the things you're gonna do when you're all up.

Annoy your sleepy pet, eat breakfast, go to a friend's house, forcing all the positive and creative atmosphere you can get into your little head and heart, ready to be charged for facing another week after weekend.

Yet when you know you have nothing to do, you're so happy you can play curling cat all day long. That's not the case for today though.

Good morning everybody, and have a great weekend :)

"I'll Take You Back To The Start"

2011-10-15T00:20:00.001+07:00

Being lonely is not an option sometimes.

Sometimes it is, too.

Again and again, when I feel that things are slipping away from me, turns out that I'm the one withdrawing from everything, ending up in that moment of self-pity. It's disgusting.

Yet I can't stop wishing to have less feelings. Less thoughts on everything. Less assumptions.

But I can't help it.

I can't sleep whenever I wanted to nowadays because of school works which leads to procrastination.

When you're sleepy, you space out.

When you space out, things just fly in like balloons, screaming anything that comes to mind.

I need easy-going.

I need sleep.

Have a great night.

In A Hazy Daze

2011-10-12T01:15:00.000+07:00

Power = 5 watts.

It seems like I have a bit of motivation to finish homework bit by bit.

Hope it'll gradually grow. The motivation, that is.

Feeling tired in so many different ways.

You know, I think life would be even more interesting if everyone got endless stamina and they don't have to sleep to revive themselves.

But that'll be a bit of hell too.

I mean come on, who doesn't like sleeping?

Even sitting is required. And loved.

Study Econ then sleep.

Today's gonna be a long day; school, nap, therapy at 5, paint, sleep.

Yeah let's hope there's not gonna be more homework interrupting the summary of today's (hopeful) plan.

Have a great night.

Hey, Older Sister!

2011-10-11T04:01:00.002+07:00

Happy 21st birthday to my beloved sister, Laurencia Riyanto, known as Irene!

Live long and prosper. Have fun being legal if you go to America. Wishing you a great day and a great year. I will always love you no matter what.

So thankful that you're in my life. Hope to be able to support you in the future as you have supported me throughout these years.

Have a great birthday, Ci :)

I'm Gonna Tell These Thoughts To Fuck Off

2011-10-10T01:02:00.003+07:00

Humans, stop judging.

Stop expecting.

We can't stop disappointing.

We can't help to complain.

Mountains of wishes, none granted.

Stop pretending, accept the truth.

You think you're the smartest?

Think again, you're just self-centered.

Where do we put our trust on,

when nothing really matters anymore?

The earth is round.

Your brain is bumpy.

Tomorrow is here.

What was yesterday's meaning to you?

Extreme changes.

Weird tastes.

Language by language.

We can only rely on capacity.

Be thankful be thankful be thankful.

Balance ignorance and care.

Everything is 50:50.

Stop procrastinating. Do your work.

Go to sleep. Live in your dreams.

Don't waste that 12 hours or less of running away from reality.

Let me tell you, we're humans.

We can't stop judging.

Devour that guilt of being human.

Go and think endlessly.

And you know what, we can't shut up.

We can't be innocent 100%.

Just because.

Superiority is dangerous.

And so are you.

Have a great night.

Vertebrae For The Poor

2011-10-08T21:15:00.003+07:00

Yesterday night until today's early morn I went for a checkup at the hospital. My sister and I have to get more X-rays for the doctor and so we did. I realized when looking at the computer screen where the X-rays of my bones were finalized, that skeletal system is the sexiest system out of all the human organ systems. I still have a thing for the heart, though.

So I got last-minutely yet amazingly inspired for my next artwork. That's awesome. Since yesterday I've been worrying about the time limit though. I wonder if I could really finish it on time. Even now I'm still waiting for the 2nd layer of the background to dry up.

In the car, I thought about how many people live through their lives without having any check ups in the hospital, or those who never fix their teeth with braces but still can get a spouse, still can eat, still have cavities that heal. Those people might not be able to use their money in great hospitals, for great doctors and great facilities, but they live through their lives with those small things that we tend to see as big.

Is it because those people who have wealth are privileged to take earlier precautions, or we're just bunch of whiners who begged our parents to go to a hospital just because of a mild fever?

I think our state of mind needs a resetting. We need to trust our body more for it to be healthy. Keep thinking that your body is designed to support you, to be with you, to ensure your existence and your endurance. Who knows how big can the power of mind affect your daily lives?

But if one day you figured out there's a cancer inside of you, how would you react?

Well, for me, I think I'll be wondering each day about what kind of pain comes next.

Oh and what's the estimation 'till my last day on earth.

And Andre.

We can only hope for living long and prosper.

Survive and wonder.

Have a great night.

Fountain of Youth

2011-10-07T01:00:00.001+07:00

When I have a hair-tie in hand, one of my weirdest hobbies follows.

I like to scrunchie my bangs (growing fast and long, as always) up and make it into a hairdo that my mom used to call "The Fountain". She did my hair that way when I was months old until she decided to did my hair in simple pigtails for my first day of pre-school. Thank God for that.

Once I did this in class, and someone laughed. She told me I look like Oddish, the pokemon that looks like a failed genetically modified turnip.

Still having struggles in being thankful these days.

Gotta rest more, enjoy life even more.

Have a day of sleeping only instead of YouTube-ing or going out.

Rest in peace, Steve Jobs.

Courtesy of Apple.com

It's sad when an Apple can't keep the doctor away from you.

No, really, that's not a joke. I'm sad for real.

Such a devastating loss.

Hope his family and the whole Apple corporations could stay strong.

Have a great night.

Trashy Immune System

2011-10-01T21:37:00.000+07:00

Currently watching a very long 4-parts interview of Show Lo. The host judged him according to his stories that he's the kind of person that have no excuses in life. "If I can do it, you can do it too!" -- sort of like that, but even in a more extreme kind of implications in his life. It's kind of motivational because it's such a very optimistic and aggressive way of thinking, but it works. There's a monster-like determination inside each human being, but it depends on what triggers it, and what kind of determination it would be; negative or positive.

Being human makes me frustrated constantly. A bit suicidal in certain times, but often. Humans are just dangerous, with their physicality and psychology, they're just dangerous. You count the things that you blurted out from your mouth and the things you do with your muscles, and people would judge you based on those things, but how about those things you won't show; those things that you keep inside your mind, as you thought it was too taboo to be expressed and so you tried to forget them, but it was there. Those are the danger, the thing that makes human so human.

I got a fever right now. I kept on wondering how painful it was when Andre was still on that hospital bed in Husada, got IVs attached to his chest. Also how did he felt when he was facing a situation where it's 50:50 from 'the end'. Yet I still can't figure out why can't I be thankful of my life right now. I was even thinking that he's lucky because he's now out of this chaotic life that seemed to be endless, but it's not. Life is like a gift and a curse. It's ambiguous to a point where you wish you can stand on that one absolute straight line, but then that line is nowhere to be found. That line doesn't exist.

I've been hanging out, socializing with my friends. I'm happy, but then I realized I'm unhappy too. It was really weird to realize that kind of mixed feeling. It's like 50% sugar and 50% salt. Try drinking that and you'll stop diarrhea. But no, this one doesn't stop diarrhea. It doesn't stop anything, and it only leave bad aftertastes.

Have a great night.

Finale

2011-09-30T22:52:00.001+07:00

The last SPH Athletics day that I'm going to experience was today.

Thanks for being in the picture Lutz, and thanks for taking the picture Jesslyn.

No big deal at all. Every athletics day I always ended getting tired because of taking pictures and eating too much instead of participating in athletics stuff. I did participated in the shot put competition before this year, but I'm one of those who just can't be friendly to sports competition. I'd rather take pictures and hang out with some friends.

I've been less inspired these days. I think I need a fresh exposure to new ideas and spectacular things. I've been thinking of doing random paintings or start cutting fabrics and turn it into a patchwork skirt. Besides that I've been practicing on small acrylic pads (so practical). I also started to search for new models because when I'm faced to a new circumstances, most likely I'll be overloading with ideas. I love to be overloaded with ideas.

Have a great night.

Updating Blog At TOK Class

2011-09-29T12:08:00.004+07:00

TOK = Theory of Knowledge

...a.k.a. the art of bulshitting class.

Half are working, half are talking about college stuff.

I can't believe we're all 12th graders.

We're talking about heavy stuff already. Future-associated topics.

It's not that "I wanna be an astronaut!" conversation we used to have when we were 6 years old.

Maybe it's similar, but more FOR REAL rather than just "I wanna..."

Have a great day.

Daily Dosage

2011-09-27T22:46:00.000+07:00

I didn't realize that today is a Tuesday until 4th period. I thought it was Monday. Damn I've been spacing off in such a long-term range.

Can't wait for more weekends. I'm also afraid of the future. I realized that I only got such limited amount of time to apply to colleges, do SAT and IELTS, those academic and future-related things.. Wish I could just stop and enjoy life for 100%. Such a weak wish though.

Hey disciplinary nerves, where are you? I can't keep avoiding due dates because you're not here.

Have a great night.

Feel

2011-09-25T10:03:00.000+07:00

I feel fucked up on the inside although I am never fucked up on the outside.

The things that humans can feel are so real, so unusual, so twisted and morbid. Whether you're in grief, covered or either blanketing yourself in a facade of happiness, when you're sleepy, unmotivated, etc.

Things just doesn't make sense as much as they were, or were they?

Fondness

2011-09-21T23:03:00.002+07:00

I found peace to be hidden in my weird timing of spacing-outs.

I'm starting to get a little bit frustrated with this whole passive attitude. I have these buds of motivation lingering somewhere in my mind, floating like the lost souls of discipline and diligence. Somehow I am not capable to bring them to the surface and get the Nike tagline into action.

Maybe it's not that I am not capable of it, but also because I actually feel comfortable when I have an empty mind because I could fill them with my imaginations. I must admit that I'm a dreamer, but John Lennon assured me that I'm not the only one.

I began to wonder if I'm getting weirder and boring these days. I guess this is just a normal teenager's concern about their existence being acknowledged by the society. What I wonder even in a bigger scale is about this question: should I really be (over) worried (again) about how others see me as a person? We all know that friendship most likely start with similar tastes between two person, interesting and connecting conversations, etc. but what would happen if it changes in time? Even I'm quite shocked about how my interests can change so drastically in such a short time range, and also in quality. Thank God I still have a consistent interest in art.

So well, these things I'm over-thinking about might be very unoriginal. I've been there and get frustrated over that. These are just simple cliche stuff. Kind of not necessary to my life as an IB student; required to think critically at all situations (mostly academic-associated ones).

But knock macrofucking knock, excuse me, I'm 17.

17 year-olds get sprinkled with distractions, and that doesn't exclude IB students.

Got six things on the list of today's work, lining up, nothing's done. It's 11 PM. I guess I'm kind of doomed in a way but let's just hope that I'm gonna have some magical additional nerve of diligence kicking in at anytime tonight.

Have a great night.

Capture

2011-09-20T23:47:00.001+07:00

A not-so-long ago picture that I took when I was in a park in Melbourne. It's a shadow self-portrait I guess?

Sometimes I still can't believe that my small hands could actually hold a big camera and took lots and lots of pictures.

I hope I could keep on growing constantly as an artist. In photography, in fashion design, in art, and maybe in even more artsy nooks and crannies.

Like they say, I got a heart for art :)

Have a great night.

Spring Terms Please

2011-09-18T23:24:00.001+07:00

Dilemma.

I'm looking towards the future and I'm looking from a point of view that university got that high possibility of becoming school-type of boring.

Thinking of taking spring terms. So then I'll start uni on the start of 2013. I need those half-a-year to explore more things that IB (and my laziness) suppressed.

Here's what I have in mind:

I want to go to Bali and live there for a month and a half with my uncle's family. Go to many galleries. Register for painting workshops. Join meditation programs. Learn their cultures. Take lots and lots of pictures. Maybe even learn how to bike or to ride motorcycle.

A week in Singapore, conquering MRT routes and just catching up with my auntie.

A few months in mainland China, learning how to speak and write Mandarin in a language school my mom told me about.

Stay in Jakarta, get some photography gigs and internships, create some artworks, intensive fitness to stay healthy, see my psychologist frequently, then get lazy until I'm satisfied but get creative when I have the ideas.

So many things that I could do in 6 months. I really am serious about exploring a lot of things in my life before they imprison me to 4 years of academic studies. I need some freedom to figure out what kind of things I could learn independently. Some freedom in a pair of good sneakers, strolling around.

Hopefully I could do this. But who knows? I might change my mind.

Have a great night.

"You Enjoy Make-Believe"

2011-09-18T11:53:00.000+07:00

Got this name-interpreting site from my childhood best friend's blog. It calculates things in your names and all I guess, but somehow I tested my name and the answer for the first and last name is a bit repetitious. Anyways, some of the descriptions were right, but some are just way out of the context. I guess these things can't really be taken seriously. I think my naviance (school-associated website that helps for college preparation) personality test were more accurate than this one.

I laughed in confirmation of one particular trait that this site gave me though. It says "You enjoy make-believe and fantasy." Can't deny that. I have this habit of imagining scenarios before I fall into deeper sleep. Sometimes I even wish to stay at that state and just have another life. Maybe that's one of the factors of why I love to sleep to the brutal level of hours count.

Anyways, lazy Sunday. Gotta paint later, now that I am all well.

Have a great day.

Baby I Don't Wanna Spend My Life on Trial

2011-09-14T22:48:00.001+07:00

When I was in Australia for the 10 days holiday two weeks ago, I decided to buy a journal from a store that sells great simple stationary. Quite costly for a simple journal though, especially when I bought it without an aim or idea of what am I going to do with it -- did this so often that I could actually be labeled as a 'stationary junkie'.

But today I watched 'A Walk To Remember' on HBO and the girl protagonist got her mom's book full of quotes and thoughts. So, being a bit unoriginal I decided to explore the world of manual blogging; starting a journal like those days back then. I tried this several times in the past too, but failed like shit. I guess this time because it'll be such a big waste for the cost of the book, I'm gonna be doing it for real (I'm embracing my Chinese heritage of being a bit reluctant about money, getting better day by day).

My life's still messed up. Still as unmotivated as ever. I'm sure I'll be able to get out of this passive phase soon though.. Gradually.

Currently feeling less and less important, degrading in my value as a human, lower scores in the self-assessed philosophy -- day by day.

I think every human being -- no matter how much they hate laziness and passiveness -- would have this little wish in their hearts to have the freedom to mope around for once in a while, even workaholics that love their jobs to death.

Random thought, I've learned something from liking Show Luo. I like funny guys. A bit pretty on the side, maybe? Or just aesthetically beautiful in their own ways. But then have the ability to think deep. Such criteria, a bit dreamy for reality, don't you think?

Have a great night.

2011-09-14T03:31:00.001+07:00

A finished painting.

An unfinished painting.

Longer hair.

The lingering interests on Taiwanese-anythings.

Curiosity.

Two hours of sleep.

A Wednesday to face.

Three unfinished and late Bio IAs.

Some notes to catch up.

SAT and TOEFL registrations.

Places to think about.

Applications to fill.

The portioned-meals catering that starts today.

Being overweight.

I am thankful.

But I am human.

I feel shallow and uninspired.

Unmotivated in many ways.

I really wish that there's more to my life than just these things.

Forbidden Rant

2011-09-13T12:23:00.001+07:00

Last night (or early morning) before I did my forty winks, I said to God,

"Ok lah, I know it's my fault that my amount of work right now is mountainous, but don't let it fall as if the sky is falling on top of me."

Suicidal thoughts barely left me each day. 3 hours tops for the range of me not thinking about how I shall make my 12th piece for IB Art a self-portrait painted with my blood.Morbid much?

Yes, I am currently mentally unhealthy. I never thought it would also affects my physical health with some minor stuff. I've been having more than enough sleep and more than enough food. I've gained 2.5 kgs for not having constant meal and sleeping patterns. In this whole indulging and giving-in-to-temptations situation, instead of feeling healthy, I feel like a big mess. A blob. A fucking gigantic label of 'Going Nuts' on the forehead.

Maybe I should drop out of school. No, drop out of life.

Anyways, gonna rest to clear out the headache and then do more homework.

Have a great day.

May Kittens Rest In Peace

2011-09-12T17:21:00.001+07:00

This morning I woke up and my maid gave me the worst news to start a sick morning.

"Len, anak kucingnya mati satu." Len, one of the kittens died.

I went "Hah? Kok Bisa?" Hah, how come?

Yesterday my cat San San gave birth to two super tiny kittens, one orange-tinted and one completely white. My whole family was so happy, even my brother, and for once in I-don't-know-how-many-years, my dad, my brother and I had a breakfast together.

I was painting in the late afternoon and my sister barged in, telling me about the death of the second kitten. My mind went ballistic. I fell into a deeper grief.

Maybe some of you think that it's stupid to grief over some newborn kittens. But for people who love animals, those people who likes to stare at their pets and wonder how can these adorable beings walk and live along with us, being such great companion, and be thankful for that, this kind of situation is HARD. I can't even concentrate on my painting right now..

The whole situation is unfair. They're just kittens. Unnamed. Hours old. I could actually blame myself for not taking the initiative to help those kittens find their way to their mom's milk, or make their place warmer.

This whole thing is confusing. Sad. Just not what I need after a fever and current deadlines pressure.

My two unnamed kittens, I'm glad that you two were born yesterday.

You brought peace into my family,

a bit of happiness, although it's short-lived, just like you two.

But thank you. Thank you for joining our household.

May your two little souls be peaceful in heaven.

Not-so-ancestral Associated

2011-09-11T21:19:00.003+07:00

Since I started liking Taiwanese drama and its actors and singers, I learned a lot of things that might be ordinary but quite simple, easy to absorb to mind. Yet because of it my status as a procrastinator promoted itself to be above my status as a student. In fact I am in the middle of procrastinating from finishing an artwork right now. Well at least I'm going to start it after this entry.

First, I learned to not hate my Chinese origin; although my ancestors came from mainland China instead of Taiwan, I assumed that we're still related. Maybe.

Second, I adore Mandarin even more. It is so painful to start liking some Mandarin songs but because you don't know the language, you can't really sing it right. I have the urge to learn Mandarin even more right now, more than ever -- although I am more motivated by Taiwanese songs instead of the fact that I kind of must learn the language because it is the language of my ancestors.

Third, well, the urge to have a husband, maybe?

Okay, the third one might be true and might be not. But today I actually thought about having a husband would be quite nice. My cat was in the process of giving birth this morning and my dad called my mom, asking her if she's fine and all that while telling her the news about my cat too. I started to wonder about how in the future I'm gonna be old and friendless, but if I have a husband I will still have that one phone call I could appreciate and be thankful for. Still I just can't think of myself getting married that much. Something about marriage still repels.

Oh but you know what, I might've say this because I am currently interested with him but if Show Luo proposed to me, I would actually say yes ..and then laugh it off because it might as well be a prank. He might not be everyone's taste or definition of handsome but he is a bit pretty in my eyes (haha), and his humorous side is super interesting.

I got a new idea on how to style my hair when I'm painting: pull it back with a bandana. Yeah. It is so comfortable because my bangs are getting longer and I think I'm planning to not go to any hair salon until next year's summer. I want to see if my hair could still get longer than shoulder-length.

I did a bit of haircut on Cherry's bangs instead. Before this her bangs were covering her eyes.

I have to stop now. My painting's waiting.

Have a great night.

Thankful of The Future?

2011-09-10T22:26:00.001+07:00

Currently scared of the future, but then also got reminded about Andre (God bless him in heaven).

He told me about his dreams when he was recovering from his first wave. About how he wanted to graduate from technical school and wanted to have a job that'll make his mom and sister happy. He also planned to be more involved in the children's choir. He even forced himself to come to the retreat we had back then although he was not feeling that well.

He was breathing for only 16 years and a month.

Upon all that, I felt guilty for whining. Felt guilty for being fearful of a boring future. Yet there's also a bit of jealousy because being a living human is hard.

Andre, thank you that you constantly reminds me about how thankful and less fearful I should be about the future. I hope you're doing well in heaven.

Today I chilled out with Nia at her house. Such a great way to spend a Saturday. Then I went to Nicky's birthday dinner. It was nice and full of helium-consuming moments.

Have a great night.